Various Artists - See You on the Moon: Songs For Kids of All Ages

In my opinion, perhaps the greatest kids' song of the modern era is the theme from Spongebob Squarepants. First, a pirate sings it, and pirates are cool. It uses the word 'porous', always a bonus. It has an upbeat tempo and a bright, major key melody. And structurally, with a simple call and response, the song is perfect for kids. Every other line is simply yelling the inherently amusing combination of consonants and vowels that identify the show's protagonist. It's no mere sing-along; it demands listeners join in at the top of their lungs. And what child doesn't like making a lot of noise? The same child who loves sitting quietly for hours on end. The same fictional child who loves the über-chill compilation See You on the Moon: Songs for Kids of All Ages.

There's some things to like about the album. Hipster favorites, indie-stars, and critical darlings (or in the case of Sufjan Stevens, all three at once) all contribute tracks, as well as a bunch of bands I've never heard of, but I bet that Brett has. Personally, I was only listening because of the Kid Koala track featuring Lederhosen Lucil, a novelty act Koala brought along on a tour I saw. "Fruit Belt" is the same sort of dumb-ass song she sang live, but I really enjoyed her ridiculous performance.

But on listening to the album straight through, I realized the album was little more than a marketing ploy. I'd even challenge that the album was designed for children at all. A much more accurate subtitle would have been Songs for Parents of a Very Specific Age and Sensibilities. I sympathize with these young, hip parents, but this really isn't the album. Your kids will not like it. They may tolerate it, but they won't like it.

Perhaps the hope is that sedate music will lead to sedate kids. At least half the songs are soft, slow ballads, the kind of thing I would have hated as a child. Now I just find these songs a little too precious and sweet. And there's no excuse for Broken Social Scene's decision to play "Puff the Magic Dragon" so incredibly slow, milking every line for maximum schmaltz. I've never cared for the song at half the length.

The best stuff just isn't the kind of thing I can see kids being into. Apostle of Hustle (featuring the Huskies) cut-and-paste playground rhyme "24 Robbers" is good, although reminiscent of "The Clapping Song". Like many on the album, this track seems to have been selected more for its tangential connection to children rather than its direct appeal to them. Same deal with The Great Lakes Swimmers' title track, and Hot Chip's "I Can't Wake Up". I assume the inclusion of Fembots' "Under the Bed" was included only because they couldn't afford the rights to a cover of Metallica's "Enter Sandman". The songs are both about nightmares but "Sandman" has much better riffs and is only slightly less scary than Fembots' Tom-Waits-at-a-carnival tone. If you're going to scar your children, it might as well be with James Hetfield. What I like about these songs is the sophistication and complexity. Admirable though those qualities may be, they're hardly the attributes kids care about.

Perhaps my assumptions about what children might like are wrong. I think more likely is that the album was never meant to appeal to kids so much as parents who want some cool music to play in the car. Even someone relatively benign like Sufjan Stevens (present with the saccharine carol "The Friendly Beasts") has a song or two on their album like "John Wayne Gacy Jr." that you can't play for a six-year-old. Everything (except perhaps that creepy Fembots track) is child-safe, but that's not really the point of the phrase for Kids is it? There's not a single good sing-along track on See You on the Moon. Never once does this album demand more than passive observation. No counting songs, no clapping patterns, no silly dances. And not once is the listener meant to scream at the top of their lungs. While not really a bad album, there's not a single track on See You on the Moon: Songs for Kids of All Ages that comes close to the pure joy of yelling out the name of a cartoon invertebrate.

posted by Jesse Zander Corum @ 3:22 PM